


I Can't Fail You

by Peevesie_Fics



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Self-Hatred, Survivor Guilt, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:52:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27129512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peevesie_Fics/pseuds/Peevesie_Fics
Summary: He tells himself she's there, he just can't feel her. He hopes she can hear him and knows how sorry he is, even if she doesn't forgive him. He doesn't expect her to forgive him, he doesn't even care much - he just craves a chance to apologise for failing her.Something about Grover's guilt from Thalia's death because I was craving Grover angst.
Relationships: Annabeth Chase & Grover Underwood, Percy Jackson & Grover Underwood, Thalia Grace & Grover Underwood
Comments: 17
Kudos: 22





	I Can't Fail You

**Author's Note:**

> Grover's trauma about Thalia really needed looking into. There's so much unexplored angst here. While his guilt gets some attention mostly thanks to the musical, there's too little fanfiction and I have too many Feels™. I think having to watch Thalia die like that would screw him up pretty badly even if he wasn't blamed for it. He was a CHILD ffs.  
> So anyway, I've been thinking about that lately and tonight I was inspired out of nowhere at 1 am and wrote this in an hour. Enjoy!  
> [I edited the title. This one is that line from the 'try' bonus track from tlt musical. I thought it fit this.]

Grover has no idea what he's going to do, but he lets himself believe until the last second that he will get Annabeth and Luke to safety and then get help for Thalia. He can do this. But as he looks back at her, he realises a second before it happens that it's too late.

The world explodes. He doesn't know how he drags himself to the big house after that, but he does, shaking violently and crying, feeling like he's going to faint any minute because all his strength has been knocked out of him, and everything is a confused blur. He barely hears the thunder, or Annabeth's sobs, or Chiron and Mr D's voices. Thalia's last scream echoes in his ears.

He doesn't know how he gets through the night. He curls up and sobs, and the few times he dozes off, he is woken up by the sound of Thalia's scream in his head, and the thunderstorm, and the vision of the - the tree. He is desperate for this to be over, the hollowness, the helplessness, like darkness consuming him; he can't stand the terror of what happened constantly replaying itself in his head. He wishes his dad were here. He wouldn't have a solution for this, but at least he would be here, and that would make him feel better. He knows it would.

The next day, he is told it's all his fault. He has been feeling the crippling helplessness of having watched her ... die, unable to do anything to help, but in his fear and grief, he hasn't realised that she died while under his protection, and that makes it his fault. He hasn't been thinking about himself. He hasn't been thinking about anything else at all. He feels like a horrible satyr for that. He let her die. He did nothing.

Everything spins. His legs feel like jelly and it takes him all he has to keep himself upright. He wraps his arms around himself and fights to keep the tears from spilling because he can't cry _now_ when he's being shouted at, but he fails miserably.

_You're pathetic. You're a failure._

He knows they're right, it was his fault, but gods, it _hurts_ to be told that outright. He wants to collapse on the ground and scream.

Later, as he mulls over everything in his mind and contemplates the million things that could have gone differently and the million ways Thalia could have lived if he just wasn't a useless coward, Grover begins to wonder if his dad would forgive him for letting her die. He was a protector of half-bloods too, after all.

*

'What are you sorry for?' Annabeth asks him in surprise. 'It wasn't your fault!'

It's their first real conversation after that night, the first time Grover has worked up the courage to stop avoiding her and apologize.

'It was,' he says. 'I couldn't - save her, I - I let her - _die_.' His voice cracks.

'But you didn't mean to,' she insists.

He didn't mean to. He didn't mean to get her killed. That has to mean something. Or does it?

He glances at the tree on the hill and turns away quickly. What he meant to do doesn't change a thing. It didn't do anything to save her. It won't bring her back. He's still a failure, no matter what he meant to do. She's gone. In that tree. Annabeth doesn't get it.

Annabeth never gets it. Thalia isn't brought up again, but for years, every time she sees him looking at her tree, Annabeth squeezes his hand and looks at him with firm reassurance. She's never going to blame him and he doesn't know how to deal with forgiveness he doesn't deserve.

*

It's months before he works up the courage to approach the tree. He trots slowly up the hill when no one is around, trembling in anticipation. His heartbeat quickens and his legs threaten to give way. He blinks, trying to shake the image of - of that night from his mind. Taking deep steadying breaths, he reaches out and rests his hand on the trunk, almost flinching and withdrawing at first. He tries to feel her in there. He can't. It's just the tree. He can feel the life in the tree, but it's no different from other trees. It's not ... her.

He still talks to the tree. 'I'm sorry. I - you don't deserve this. It's all my fault. I'm sorry.'

He tells himself she's there, he just can't feel her. He hopes she can hear him and knows how sorry he is, even if she doesn't forgive him. He doesn't expect her to forgive him, he doesn't even care much - he just craves a chance to apologise for failing her.

*

'I should've told you the truth from the beginning.' He tells Percy. 'I thought if you knew what a failure I was, you wouldn't want me along.' _I didn't want you to hate me,_ he thinks. He knows he still should have told him. Not telling Percy about Thalia is selfish. Percy deserves to know, and if he hates Grover for it ... he can't complain, he deserves it.

He thinks back to their time at Yancy. He never deserved Percy, not as a second chance, not as a friend, but when he got that chance, he was determined to do it right this time. At first, it was because he couldn't afford to fail again. Later, it was because he couldn't let anything happen to Percy. The time Mrs Dodds cornered Percy, the time they came across the Fates, the time Percy ran off on him, the time at the Gateway Arch, he was scared out of his wits, but solely for Percy, not for his assignment or even his search for Pan.

The day he woke up in the infirmary with a headache after nightmares involving Thalia and Percy and monsters on Half Blood Hill, and was told what had happened with the Minotaur, he was relieved at first because at least Percy was okay. He felt terrible immediately after, because how could Percy be okay when his mom was - how could he be so selfish? And it was his fault, _again_.

Olympus knows Percy's friendship means the world to him, but that doesn't change how undeserving he is of it. He doesn't deserve the way his heart swells every time Percy shows any sign that he cares for Grover. He doesn't deserve to tag along on Percy's quest. He doesn't deserve to be _forgiven_ for letting Percy's mom die. It all feels like something fragile, a house of cards waiting to topple over the moment Percy sees all the truths. It has felt that way from the very beginning, but Percy's loyalty to him never wavered, not when he found out about Grover keeping secrets about him at Yancy, not when he let his mom die. It's so much more than Grover deserves, and he cherishes that. But Percy can only put up with so many screwups before he loses faith in him forever. And of course it's going to happen, because this unconditional trust, especially from another half-blood, can't last. It can't be for him.

He thinks it was only a matter of time before Percy inevitably saw how worthless he was and hated him, so he stops clinging to the luxury that is Percy's faith, and tells him, in the refuge of darkness, what really happened with Thalia, why the tree on Half Blood Hill is there because Grover failed to protect her.

Except - Percy listens to the story, and he _still_ doesn't show any indication that he hates him. He listens, frowning and tearing up in the dark as he does, and the look in Percy's eyes hurts almost as much as the memory of Thalia's death. He looks sympathetic, _pained_. Why is he still forgiving him? Why is he so good to him?

He wakes up in the morning and immediately thinks of that conversation. It feels surreal. It hits him that Percy knows everything now, and _he doesn't hate him_. He still wants him with him. He is incredulous, and humbled, and so, so relieved he could cry. It seems like the weight of the world has been lifted from his chest. He realises that the possibility of losing Percy's friendship has been eating him up more than he knew. Maybe it's not a house of cards after all. Maybe what he thought was built on half-truths on his part does have a true foundation, at least now that Percy knows everything. Maybe for once, this _is_ for him. Maybe it's one thing he won't mess up, his friendship with Percy.

Some of his vigour comes back. The day before they left on their quest, he visited Thalia's tree to say goodbye, and to tell her he wouldn't fail this time. He won't fail Percy. He will give it his all to protect him. He promised that to himself and Thalia. On top of that, Percy trusts him. He can't let him down.

*

'Grover.' Thalia's blue eyes are piercing, 'Don't blame yourself for that. Don't. It wasn't your fault. It was my decision. You couldn't have done anything else and you know it. You understand?'

They are in the infirmary. Thalia is half-seated on a bed. Grover can't speak. Six years of crushing guilt seems to have turned into a flood of tears all at once, choking him, fighting to escape.

She tries to blink back her own tears but they spill over all the same. 'If I were here, I would have told you earlier.' She puts her still weak hands on his shoulders and tugs gently, and he accepts the invitation for a hug. They wrap their arms around each other and he tries to muffle his sobs in her shoulder. 'It wasn't your fault, goat boy,' she says quietly.

It wasn't? He doesn't know anymore. He clings to her, savouring the fact that she's here, and she's alive. She's going to get the life that she deserves, the life that was almost taken permanently from her because of him.

'You don't have to forgive me,' he mutters into her jacket through sobs.

'I don't _have_ anything to forgive you for, Grover.'

'But -' he struggles. 'I still - I let you die. You -' he pulls away from the hug. 'What happened to you, you - you must hate me!' He lets out a shuddering breath.

'Even if I don't blame you?' she raises her eyebrows. When he doesn't say anything, she continues, 'Well, I don't, Grover. That night, it was ... well, there was no way around it, and it was my decision to stay and fight. I don't hate anyone for that. Especially not you.'

She leans forward, and says, 'Stop beating yourself up. Please.' Her voice is much softer than before, and it makes him dissolve into fresh tears.

Thalia says it wasn't his fault. So did Percy. So did Annabeth. For the first time in years, he wonders if his dad would say that too. Grover doesn't know. He was told as a child that it was his fault, and he has believed that all his life. Now his friends tell him it wasn't. He doesn't deserve any of them, but they are here with him. He closes his eyes and silently thanks all the gods as earnestly as he can for his friends. He still doesn't know how much he believes them. But at least, he thinks as Thalia rubs his hand silently with both of hers and he wipes his eyes with the back of his other hand, at least he knows he won't fail like that again. Not when his friends believe in him.

That has to mean something.

**Author's Note:**

> Two things: I referenced Grover's dad because I love him even though he was mentioned like twice and I'm convinced Grover was a daddy's boy, and I have a headcanon that satyrs can sense things about trees. Hence, the part about Grover feeling Thalia's tree.  
> Thanks for reading and let me know what you think! ^_^


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